There’s this illustration I heard yesterday about a brother and sister named Johnny and Sally. Johnny was playing in the yard with his slingshot and his grandma’s pet duck, which she loved very much, was walking through the yard. Johnny wanted to see if he could hit it, thinking that he probably would miss, so he’s aiming and missing until, donk, he actually hits the duck and the duck falls over and dies. Scared, having just killed Grandma’s duck, he picked it up and hid it behind a pile of wood. When Grandma calls out for dinner time, Johnny and Sally run inside and Johnny realizes that Sally saw the whole thing. Long story short, Sally holds this guilt over Johnny’s head by getting him to do all her chores, just so she’ll keep his secret (“Remember the duck”). Finally, Johnny’s had enough and he goes and confesses to his grandma. After Johnny’s finished, the grandma says, “Johnny, I know. I saw the whole thing through the kitchen window….Johnny, as soon as you did it, I forgave you, but I was waiting to see how long you would let Sally make you a slave. How long you would let Sally hold that over your head.”

I don’t know why, but yesterday I was feeling really broken. Part of it is being tired, part of it was being worried I couldn’t sign up for health benefits (long story),  and part of it was being I had been struggling with this sin in my life, that I guess just really weighed heavily on my heart. During service, I was just on the verge of tears, crying during worship, praying for forgiveness, touched deeply during the sermon and then crying some more during communion. Gosh, I’m such a mess sometimes. For me, I don’t see myself as a “typical church girl”. “Typical church girls” are soft-spoken, pure, humble, loving, patient, happy…all the freaking time, and are always dropping verses and words of encouragement at the right time, in the right way, etc. I am…not that. I don’t need to list the contrast to prove my point. As myself, I am not that, and to be honest I do realize that most church girls aren’t like that either, but that is the stereotype. Moving on. I always feel burdened when I go to a church because I feel like people are going to judge me, people are going to think this and that of me, and maybe that ties into my insecurity from how church was for me back in the day, but sometimes I forget that I’ve changed, I’ve forgotten what Christ has done in my life.

Pastor Dwight started out his sermon yesterday by saying that God’s love is the first thing we learn, and the last thing we take in. That’s so true. So many times I let my guilt weigh over me, and Satan holds these things over my head saying I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough. Even though I believe in the redeeming power of the Gospel, still, Satan knows exactly where to get me, and he gets me time and time again. It makes me question if I’m able to be a spiritual leader, it makes me doubt if I’ve changed, it makes me doubt if I’ll ever find a godly man that sees me as a godly woman, it makes me doubt everything. But everything that Satan holds against me, Christ comes along and tells me he paid for that, he died for that, he died for me. Yesterday was such a great reminder of how deep God’s love for us is. Sometimes it’s so easy for me to forget, not because I doubt God’s goodness, but because I doubt mine. I know me, I am a sinner. But God loves me still.

People think that Christians are so naive to how life is, they think we live in “la-la land” or that we think we’re so perfect, or that this world is so perfect, but in actuality, it’s the opposite. Christians know how life is, they know how terrible and corrupted our world around us is and we know we are far from perfect. But that’s why we believe in God, that is why we have hope in Jesus Christ and his death on the cross. We see that we are so broken, so messed up, so unworthy that we need Christ to be our Savior, to bring salvation and healing. One of the QV kids pointed out that other religions believe in God, so why should they believe in Christianity, because of Jesus? That’s it? Exactly. That’s it. Other religions don’t have a God that is almighty, all-powerful, holy, just, and loving and merciful. No other gods would sacrifice something for us. The fact that God hates sin so much, but he loves us enough to sacrifice his son to save us, tell me, that’s not it? Tell me that’s not something worth believe in, worth living for, worth dying for.

Thank you God for giving me this reminder of your love for me.