Love is patient, love is kind….so on and so forth. Christians and non-Christians alike sling this passage around like they understand what love means, but I’d like to say that I bet most of us don’t even really understand what any of these things mean, let alone apply it in how we “love” others.

One thing that God has been convicting me of is the very first description. Love is patient. If there is one thing I am not, it is patient. My impatience has played itself out in my relationships, my faith, my academics, pretty much….everywhere. It also explains my ridiculously short temper. Thankfully by God’s grace I’ve gotten a lot better with my anger issues, however recently I’ve been realizing over and over that while I may seem really patient on the outside, it’s my heart that is blowing up on the inside. I don’t know why I never realized it, how impatient my heart was, or maybe I just knew and was okay with it, but bah, now that Lent has started I’m getting faced with it more and more and I’m just like dang, I need to really ask God to help me with this.

I find that it’s especially hard for me be patient with people I care about. I guess because I want what’s best for them, when I see them not making right decisions or just whatever, I don’t know it really bothers me, and I find myself internally yelling at them to hurry up and get with the picture…whatever that picture may be. 

If anything “not complaining” has taught me it has taught me to pray more. Honestly because if I’m going to “complain” it should be to God, and not so much about just venting my thoughts, but also asking for him to help me be more patient and to love others in a more natural and genuine manner. In that way also, it’s pushed me to be more honest in my praying too. Usually my prayer life is like “What up, can you help me out with this. Kay thanks. Oh I love you. You’re good. AMEN!” (okay not really, but kind of). But now it’s like I’m actually talking with God, talking about my frustrations, my joys, everything, and it’s been so refreshing to be real in my prayer life. I actually feel so much closer just because there’s no facade or “Christian” mask I feel like I have to put on to approach God. I’m seriously constantly in a point where I’m like, “God I really can’t do this by myself. I’m trying to trust you, I need you,” and God has been meeting me every step of the way. 

Bah, I don’t want this to just be a Lent thing, but I didn’t realize it would be so hard. But God has been good, and he’s been gracious, so I’m still hanging in there. 

Sidenote: I’ve also been getting really bold in praying to God, which I guess is why the passage about Abraham interceding for Sodom was sticking in my mind so much. I don’t know this point is totally irrelevant but it felt relevant enough to mention.

then again, everything in my mind is relevant at least to me, so *shrugs*

If today has taught me anything it is that my life never runs on my own timing. A lot of things have been weighing on my mind and in typical Christine fashion, my solution was to always go out of town. And yet today could not have gone any worse as I’m Swyping this on my phone, sitting on the curb waiting for my bus that’s an hour and a half late, and having to pee since an hour and a half ago. Even when I went into the office all early and planned my day to the last minute…I’m still here. In Philadelphia. Waiting. Although this is unrelated to what’s been weighing me down these past few weeks it is still reminding me that my life is not my own.

So tonight I’m feeling a little cold ,a little hungry, but a lot humbled. Lord, teach me how to be patient.

God is playing a big practical joke on me and I don’t like it. I asked Suzanna why this was happening, and her simple reply was, “maybe he’s teaching you patience? ;)”

*sigh* Don’t get me wrong. I’m not dying to get married or have kids quite yet, but I do want it. It was different when all my other friends were single, or just in relationships, but now I’m reaching that age where my friends are getting married, engaged, or having children. I am so happy for them, but I can’t help but inwardly covet their happiness from these events. Especially when inwardly I feel a sense of ‘lack of closure’ for a lack of better terms. I realize I’m still holding onto something that wasn’t really there, and I find myself being frustrated at being unable to move forward, or to really trust God with this area in my life.

I remember reading ‘When God Writes Your Love Story,’ it talked about this feeling of being single for right now. Acting as if God calls you to singleness everyday, and what that looks like in terms of how you pursue your relationship with God that much more. I realized that while Suzanna’s answer wasn’t what I wanted to hear, she was right. After ACF’s retreat on Centering ourselves in Christ, I realized there were a lot of things that I was holding as my center rather than Christ and I was determined to change that. Part of that was painfully and intentionally letting go of something that my heart didn’t want to admit was getting too close to it. It was hard, but I guess bit by bit it got better, but whenever certain things come about, it’s like those feelings that I cut out come snapping back, and it stings a bit each time…which frustrates me even more. I’m realizing that while it is hard to move on from something you care about, if my focus is not on Christ, or on finding healing/trusting in God’s ultimate plan, this concept of moving on is impossible. It becomes bitter and frustrating and spends time coveting other relationships and major life changes. However, God is not placing these things in my life to make a big joke of me. Rather he is revealing to me more and more what is truly in the center of my heart. It makes me realize that I need to recenter myself in Christ and find joy in him first. Whether he chooses to reopen, close, or reveal new doors, my focus shouldn’t be what is behind those doors, but should be trusting in the one that controls them.

God I really pray that you help me find joy in your presence and comfort alone. Sometimes I forget that relationships (on all levels) are never mine to begin with but gifts from you. Please guard my heart and help me be more conscious of the things that sway it, and I pray that you would really take this feeling of burden off of my shoulders. Whether I find someone tomorrow, next year, or never, I pray that you would always be more than enough for me, and I pray that you help me learn to trust in your plan for me.

Patience is more than endurance. A saint’s life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says - “I cannot stand any more.” God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose in in sight, then he lets fly. Trust yourself in God’s hands. Maintain your relationship to Jesus Christ by the patience of faith. “Though He slay me, yet will I wait for Him.”

—Oswald Chambers