Today was a very low self-esteem kind of day. The kind of day where I woke up and felt so ugly, it was just overwhelming, no matter what I wore or how I did my makeup, I just couldn’t shake this feeling. I was unhappy with myself.

In a morning spent of self-loathing, praying, fighting back tears, praying, and oh yes, working, God brought these two verses to mind.

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
—Proverbs 31:30

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
—Psalms 139:14

What is self-esteem? And how do you cultivate a high level of it? It’s funny how our esteem of self is dictated by everyone else, but ourselves, and how we look is always told to be incomplete and lacking. No wonder we hate how we look, how we dress, we hate…ourselves. Something I was really struggling with, and I guess kind of still am (it’s a come and go thing) is learning not to base my self-esteem on the world, on societal pressures, or even the lies that I feed myself. I’m learning to understand how to see myself through the eyes of the one who created me; God. Psalms 139:14, says, “I praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” God created the vast universe and distant galaxies, and high mountains and deep seas. A god so infinite and grand, and yet intimate and personal, that he crafted each of us in his image, and it was good. If my soul knew this very well (as the latter half of this verse says) then I wouldn’t be sitting around drowning in self-hate and tearing apart this wonderfully and fearfully made person that God made me to be. That although society tells me that I should pursue beauty and charm, Proverbs 31:30, reminds me that my true value comes from a deep relationship and reverence for the Lord.

sigh. It’s really hard, but even in the midst of my lies, God still spoke very clearly to me today. I can only hide behind my makeup, clothes, charm, and sensuality for so long before all the masks get stripped away, and I’m left as I am. And even in my vulnerable nakedness, I am still fearfully and wonderfully made. And honestly, that’s what I needed to be reminded of today. 

wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well

i’m taking a hiatus from posting hidden messages on tumblr.

either it’s a full thought or nothing.

i give you readers too much.

We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you — 2 Chronicles 20:12

I feel really relieved when God reveals to me the hearts of those who are experiencing things similar to me, and their thoughts seem to parallel mine. In seeing how they approach it, or how they are encouraged through that time, gives me some insight in just how to process my own thoughts and fears given what’s in front of me, whether they’re legit or just thoughts in my mind or both.

I’m reaching a point where things are going to start happening all in a series of a few months, and although nothing’s happened yet, I can feel the uneasiness from the anticipation in my heart.

Lord help me to find peace and to seek your guidance. I pray that you would establish my steps in the right direction, and that my eyes may be fixed upon you when I have no idea what to do or how to move forward.

When it comes to racial reconciliation and social justice, without even realizing it I have a tendency to get super passionate about it. Almost to the point where I suddenly have to prove the point that I’m right and these are all the reasons why I am…

But it’s not about me and I have to realize that not everyone will see things the way that I do, or feel the same fire that I do, or even go about things in the same way as me, but it’s not about seeing things my way. It’s about seeing things God’s way and letting that shape and move my words and actions.

Forgive me Lord. For getting so caught up in trying to prove my point and views that I neglected to communicate your truth and love. Help me to do better.

Sometimes I forget that my life is not for other people. It is not to make them happy. It is not to comfort them. It is not to save them. That, is not my life. That is not my role. It’s a role I’ve taken on, but it is not actually who I am, or my purpose on this earth or in the lives of those around me.

In a lot of ways because I forget that, I let people define me and my decisions, rather than letting God define those things, and I find myself often caught in the middle, trying to find some way not to compromise my relationships with these people, while also staying true to myself and what I want for myself or even where I feel like God is calling me. And I think also other people influence me in a way that clouds my judgment or my ability to be open to what God is placing on my heart at a certain time. And this leads me to misinterpret what I think is God’s will versus my will.

Part of me feels like I’m in limbo, waiting for everyone else to decide what they want to do with their lives before I can make decisions about my own life, because heaven forbid, I do something that doesn’t match what they want. But in the same way I don’t want to influence their decisions, I can’t let them influence mine either.

Certain things are playing out in a way that is catching me off guard, and I’m wondering if this is where God is calling me for right now. And in this wondering, I’m hesitant to really pray on it and pursue it because I feel like if I remove everyone from the picture, a part of me feels like I’m removing them from my life, but really I’m not. I don’t want to break off these relationships, but I can’t let these things sway my life and decisions anymore, especially if I’m placing these things above how I feel God leading me.

I have a tendency to do that. Compromise myself, for the sake of everyone else but me. My life is not my own. But it’s not any of yours either. My life belongs to Christ, and I need to start acting like it.

So you say you love me? Prove it, because right now I don’t believe you. You only seek me out on your terms, try to fit me into your understanding, twist and turn everything that I say and do and make it into what I’m not. Have you learned all there is to learn? Are you content with the knowledge that you have? I’m so much more than that, and you would know if you dug deeper. Why do you only ask me or look for the answers to the things you care about? What about the things you don’t care about? Have I no thought about those? Don’t you know how much I love you that I’m willing to die to prove to you my heart? Are you still not convinced? Do you still not get it?

It’s funny that everything that I can’t stand about how people treat me is exactly how I treat God. And yet he is the only one that has died for me, and he is the one that continuously seeks me out and tries to bring me back to him. I want to think that the way that I love is selfless, after all, why would it hurt so much to continuously go against how I am, to put myself second, and to try to continuously pour out love to the people I care about, and even the people I don’t care about. Isn’t that proof? That my heart breaks when theirs breaks, that I want to celebrate when they celebrate, that I’ll bite my tongue to spare their feelings, and push my pride aside to listen to their heart versus their words. That I want to spend time digging deeper beyond all the superficial things that can be misinterpreted as “closeness” or “knowing someone” but we as people are so much deeper than that. As much as I want to love and be loved in return, if I can’t even understand and grasp what God’s love is and means, how can I expect to truly love others? Why can’t I grasp it? Do I view myself as undeserving? Do I question it? Do I believe it? 

Love shouldn’t be something that is burdensome. It should be something that sets us free from just about all the crap in this hellish world that weighs us down. But the thing is, is that we’ve made love into expectations, and demands, and contentment with superficiality, and this false hope in “perfection”. This kind of love is burdensome. This kind of love burns out quickly. This kind of love doesn’t last. This….isn’t love. Christ is love. In 1 John 3:16, it says, “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us…” He laid down his life for us. The verse then continues to say that for us, “we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.” What does it mean to lay down my life the people I care about, or the people I don’t know, my friends, family, coworkers? I’m not quite sure how that all looks. I’m struggling to figure it out, but I know that it starts with God. I can’t expect to love people fully apart from God, and maybe that’s why I’m so worn out. Maybe that’s why I’m so discouraged and frustrated and helpless and hopeless. It starts from my lack of faith and reassurance in God’s love for me. This gospel that I say I’m willing to die for, this good news, this love, this God, I’ve lost sight of all these things. And now I’m worn out.

But you, O Lord, are a shield about me,

    my glory, and the lifter of my head. — Psalm 3:3

Lord grant me faith to hold tightly to you and your promises. I pray that I would know you and your love deeper, and that your grace would renew me and enable me to lay down my life and love those that you have placed in my midst. Help me to let go of the burdens of trying to please people and to fulfill them in my own way. Help me to love in a way that points back to you and your love, a love that never fails, a love that truly completes us. Draw me closer to you. I don’t think I can keep doing this alone anymore.

—Amen.

i’m reminded of a darker time, when i watched you disappear, bit by bit…

…and now just like then, it makes me die a little inside. and i don’t know what to do. i won’t move backwards, i can’t move forward. i’m just stuck in time in this place, trying to figure out a way to fight our way out. and i’m starting to lose. 

but on the outside i’ll hold it together and put a smile on my face. we’ll get through this. we have to.

Love is patient, love is kind….so on and so forth. Christians and non-Christians alike sling this passage around like they understand what love means, but I’d like to say that I bet most of us don’t even really understand what any of these things mean, let alone apply it in how we “love” others.

One thing that God has been convicting me of is the very first description. Love is patient. If there is one thing I am not, it is patient. My impatience has played itself out in my relationships, my faith, my academics, pretty much….everywhere. It also explains my ridiculously short temper. Thankfully by God’s grace I’ve gotten a lot better with my anger issues, however recently I’ve been realizing over and over that while I may seem really patient on the outside, it’s my heart that is blowing up on the inside. I don’t know why I never realized it, how impatient my heart was, or maybe I just knew and was okay with it, but bah, now that Lent has started I’m getting faced with it more and more and I’m just like dang, I need to really ask God to help me with this.

I find that it’s especially hard for me be patient with people I care about. I guess because I want what’s best for them, when I see them not making right decisions or just whatever, I don’t know it really bothers me, and I find myself internally yelling at them to hurry up and get with the picture…whatever that picture may be. 

If anything “not complaining” has taught me it has taught me to pray more. Honestly because if I’m going to “complain” it should be to God, and not so much about just venting my thoughts, but also asking for him to help me be more patient and to love others in a more natural and genuine manner. In that way also, it’s pushed me to be more honest in my praying too. Usually my prayer life is like “What up, can you help me out with this. Kay thanks. Oh I love you. You’re good. AMEN!” (okay not really, but kind of). But now it’s like I’m actually talking with God, talking about my frustrations, my joys, everything, and it’s been so refreshing to be real in my prayer life. I actually feel so much closer just because there’s no facade or “Christian” mask I feel like I have to put on to approach God. I’m seriously constantly in a point where I’m like, “God I really can’t do this by myself. I’m trying to trust you, I need you,” and God has been meeting me every step of the way. 

Bah, I don’t want this to just be a Lent thing, but I didn’t realize it would be so hard. But God has been good, and he’s been gracious, so I’m still hanging in there. 

Sidenote: I’ve also been getting really bold in praying to God, which I guess is why the passage about Abraham interceding for Sodom was sticking in my mind so much. I don’t know this point is totally irrelevant but it felt relevant enough to mention.

then again, everything in my mind is relevant at least to me, so *shrugs*